Safety behaviours in social anxiety – safe now, harder later

Avoiding a situation entirely is easy to recognise. Safety behaviours are more subtle: you show up, but try to protect yourself from being judged at the same time. The issue isn’t that the behaviour is “wrong.” The issue is that your brain can draw the conclusion: “That only went fine because I stayed quiet, had a perfect script, or controlled my face.”

Common examples

• avoiding eye contact or standing at the very edge of the group;
• rehearsing every sentence before saying it;
• talking fast to get it over with;
• asking lots of questions but never sharing anything about yourself;
• holding a phone, glass or papers as a shield;
• wearing heavy makeup or specific clothes purely to hide blushing or sweat;
• only going to social things with one particular trusted person;
• using alcohol to feel brave enough;
• seeking reassurance afterwards;
• analysing the conversation to prevent future mistakes.

The same action can be neutral in one context and a safety behaviour in another. The question is what function it serves: “Am I doing this because it’s practical, or to prevent a social disaster?”

Map out one behaviour

Fill in four short lines:

1. Situation: lunch with colleagues.
2. Feared disaster: they’ll notice I’m nervous and think I’m odd.
3. Shield: looking at my phone and barely speaking.
4. Cost: I never find out whether the conversation would have worked, and I feel left out.

Then choose one small experiment, for example putting your phone away for the first five minutes.

Ease off, don’t maximise

Remove one shield to a small degree. If you always read a script word for word, try using notes for just the first minute. If you only ever go with a trusted person, try being in a different room for ten minutes. If you avoid all eye contact, try meeting someone’s eyes when you say hi.

A good experiment answers one question: “What happens if I ease off this particular shield a little?” It shouldn’t be a punishment or a demand to make the situation as hard as possible.

Evaluate what you learned

Compare your prediction with the observable outcome. Also notice whether you managed to handle a negative reaction. Exposure isn’t about proving nothing uncomfortable ever happens – it’s about building a more realistic picture of risk and your own ability to cope.

Alcohol and drugs deserve special caution. If they’ve become a recurring way to get through social contact, contact a doctor or another qualified healthcare provider instead of trying to tackle a hard exercise alone.